


Malec - A Tale of Discovery

by jetblackromance



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Gay, Lingerie, Love, Low Self Esteem, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, learning to love yourself, maybe smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-03-13 20:57:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18948514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jetblackromance/pseuds/jetblackromance
Summary: Alec has struggled with low self esteem ever since he was a child. Then puberty hits and he discovers he's gay.. and that he likes lingerie.Magnus is… perfect and fabulous as we all know him. Or maybe not as perfect, because let's be honest, no one is.******This is both a love story and a story about learning to love yourself.





	1. Alec // age fourteen

It happened when they were out on a mission. Him, Jace and Izzy. It was supposed to be rather standard. Just get to the mundane's house, get rid of the demon. Simple. Right?

And it was, right up until the point when it wasn't anymore. Alec let himself get distracted. But, to give him at least some credit, no one, and I mean really no one, would expect that when they have to go to a mundane's house, the walls of the living room would be covered in half naked guys.  
And of course, while Alec was taking in those posters of guys modeling underwear, it was right then that the demon attacked. He didn't pay attention for one second (okay.. maybe it was a bit longer, just a tiny bit) and the demon decided then would be the best moment to claw its teeth into Alec's shoulder.  
At least Alec could proudly say that he didn't scream. Jace stabbed the demon with his angelic blade only mere seconds later. It dissolved into nothingness, leaving no trace except for the wound in Alec's shoulder.

Izzy immediately came running towards them. She behaved like his mom sometimes, even though she was younger than both he and Jace. „Alec, are you alright?" -„Yes, fine", Alec answered through gritted teeth.

„Let's get you out of here" Jace said, and grabbed Alec by the waist to support him. No second too late, because the demon poisoning already started to influence Alec's vision and balance. However, Alec still managed to glance at the bottom corner of one the photos to get the photographer's name. Jako Joiko.  
Jace arm around his waist felt good. A little too good, as usual. Alec sighed internally and wondered when he would ever get over his stupid crush on his adoptive brother.

******

After getting healed of the demon poisoning and having explained to Maryse what exactly had happened, Alec was finally allowed to lay on his bed and recover. He napped some, but woke up only two hours later. He'd never been the one who just likes to stay in bed for no reason. So he decided to get up and go to the library.  
That also happened to be the only place with a computer available to the public in the institute. He didn't really think. He was just curious. So he typed „Jako Joiko" into the search engine and hit enter.

The slow internet of the institute took a while to load, but when it did, Alec's mouth escaped a small gasp.

Alec was shocked. A bit. It was expectable that the photographer of male models in underwear and lingerie would himself like to wear stuff like that. But Alec was shocked anyway. He had only gotten to look at two of the photos in the mundane's place, and those had been rather innocent compared to these.  
Up until this day he hadn't even know that men wore lingerie too. He thought it was exclusively for women. But if he chose to believe these photos, it wasn't.  
So maybe boys were allowed to be pretty too?


	2. Alec // age sixteen

It was Christmas Eve. Shadowhunters didn't really celebrate Christmas, however, the custom of exchanging gifts had grown on Alec and his siblings. They'd meet in the library, where Hodge would usually put up a tree, as Alec's parents were too busy to do that. They'd gather around the tree and would exchange their gifts for each other. Afterwards they'd go to the kitchen to cook some breakfast, while giving Izzy tasks like washing the blueberries and doing everything in their power to keep her from doing any actual cooking. 

Alec had gone to his room to change from his mission clothes into something nicer for the evening. As soon as he had pulled his shirt over his head there was a knock on his door. Considering the time it could only be one of his siblings. „Come in."

Izzy peaked her head through the opening door. „Hey brother, may I come in?" But while she said it, she had already entered the room and closed the door halfway behind her. Alec sighed and reminded himself how much he loved his sister. „Sure, Iz."

„Alright so, I know it's not Christmas yet. And we always do the exchanging gift part tomorrow, but this year, my present is rather personal, so I thought, why not give it to you tonight, while it's just the two of us." Izzy shrugged her shoulders and handed me a small present. Really, really small.  
Alec immediately wondered what it could be. Something that small? He had no idea. He was about to open it when his sister spoke up again. „Wait, now that I think about it, I know you, so I think it's best if you open it while you're alone. So I'm gonna go. Just know that I love you very much and support you. Always. No matter what." She walked backwards to the door. „Also," she started as she opened the door „you should google how to delete your browser history" She let out a quiet giggle and quickly pulled the door shut behind her. 

Alec could feel the blush rising on his cheeks, what on earth had he done that his sister could have found?

He ripped the small package open.

And found a soft, green material inside. It felt delicate in his hands, too delicate to be for him. Maybe Izzy had accidentally switched his present and someone else's? Alec unfolded it. It was underwear. Lingerie, to be more exact. Soft, green fabric, rimmed with lace at the edges.  
It was also most definitely made for men, as it was rather wide in certain areas. 

Alec was stunned. His by two years younger sister had actually managed to not only stalk what he did on the computer, but she had actually managed to obtain a pair of men lingerie. While living under the strict rules of the Institute. Alec had to admit, that was quite impressive. 

Alec was too amazed by now owning a pair of beautiful lingerie to let the embarrassment of his little sister knowing settle it. 

After a few minutes of just starring at it, imaging what it would feel like to wear, the soft material on his hips, reality caught up with him. He could not wear this?! He was a warrior, a fighter. He fought demons on a daily basis. He couldn't do that while wearing something like that. It just didn't match. There was no way he could combine it.

And so Alec took the present and hid it in his closet. He put it in the empty shoe box of his new training shoes, hid it underneath the wrapping paper.  
He felt a slight pain in his chest. But there was just no way he could ever wear that.  
And with time, he forgot the green piece of fabric even existed.


	3. Alec // age seventeen

Alec read something online. He didn't even remember how exactly he found it, but it was a blog. It didn't say who the author was, and Alec did let all his technology skills show to try and find out. But it wasn't possible. 

The blog was called "a lesson in self worth". Every entry of the blog had another tip on how to learn to be self confident. Because, while some were born being self confident, most weren't, but, according to the blog Alec found, it could be learned.  
And to say that didn't peek his interest would have been a lie.

Alec can't even say how many hours he spend on that blog. He read entry after entry, becoming obsessed with the thought that he, too, could learn to like himself, his looks. 

The one thing that appeared to be easiest to put into practice, was the following.

Every morning, and every evening, Alec would stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom, let his eyes wonder over his body for a bit, some days it was his face, other days it was his arms, other days his chest, etc, and everyday, one time in the morning, and one time in the evening, he'd tell himself "I am beautiful" while looking himself in the eyes. 

When he first read it on the blog he found it rather stupid. How could telling yourself you're beautiful help with years of feeling like you're ugly? But the author of the blog sounded so convinced it would work, it was contagious. 

So starting in February, when he first found that blog and read that entry, he started doing it. 

Every morning. 

Every evening. 

Every single day. 

No exceptions.

At first, Alec had to admit it felt so, so incredibly weird and awkward. 

First of all, looking yourself in the eyes in a mirror and saying something aloud felt weird in the first place. But then saying something, that Alec knew was a lie to get himself into being more accepting of his body, that was just so weird. It was like taking a placebo pill and while knowing there was nothing in it, still hoping it'd help.  
Alec had to put a sticky note on his mirror too, so he wouldn't forget. Sometimes life got very hectic at the Institute, so after he forgot doing it a few times, he stuck that note with nothing written on it to his mirror (in case someone would use his bathroom). And every time he saw it, usually in the morning while brushing his teeth and in the evening when he brushed his teeth again, he'd be reminded to do it. 

It's also that Alec rarely ever used the word 'beautiful' in his everyday life. It's not like he complimented the sunset to Izzy while sprinting across roof tops to hunt a demon. And Alec didn't know much else that was beautiful. Jace and Izzy were, of course, but other than that? Max was cute, but too young to be described as beautiful. And it wasn't as if he'd just tell Izzy or Jace that they were beautiful. 

So the word itself felt weird on Alec's tongue. 

In the beginning, Alec was just glad when he got it over with. He'd made sure he already wore his clothes for work, then gave his body a quick glance from top to bottom, said the three stupid words, and just got it over with. 

I am beautiful. 

It's not as if it actually meant anything? It was supposed to help, but it didn't. Not at first. The blog entry had warned about that though, that it would take time. And if Alec had anything, it was time. 

So he continued.

After a while, about a month or two, he got used to it. It wasn't that big of a deal anymore. He didn't have to think about the words anymore, they just came out of his mouth. He'd gotten used to the way his lips touched during the 'beau-'; the tongue on the roof of his mouth, right in front of his teeth during the '-ti-', and the swift movement of his lower lip away from his teeth, while his tongue darted to touch his gums during the "-full".

He'd gotten used to the feeling of starring into his own eyes in the mirror. He'd gotten used to looking at his body, paying more attention to his body than he used to. Sometimes he even dared to stop with his eyes focused on a part of his body that he wasn't completely unhappy with, giving it a bit of extra attention, focusing on what made it look okay. 

Most days, he was still completely dressed, but on some days, when he was in a rather good mood, he'd stand shirtless in front of his mirror and tell himself he was beautiful.

It wasn't much, he didn't even notice the progress at first. Alec didn't give the fact that he went from being fully clothed to being shirtless while doing it much thought. Neither the fact, that the wondering of his eyes over his body became less rushed with every month. But those were the first steps into learning how to accept his own body. 

It wasn't until months later, that he actually noticed the real progress that he had made.


	4. Alec // age eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited the first chapter cause I finally figured out how to add photos on here. So if you want to see a hot german dude wearing whatever it was that made Alec feel shocked, go back and find out ;) :D

Alec didn't notice how much it had helped until months later. 

It was during a mission, with Isabelle. Nothing too complicated, they thought. Which was also the reason why Jace stayed at the Institute.  
Anyway, long story short (aka I can't write action and I have zero knowledge of demon names anymore cause I read the books years ago and in German so they might have even been different names), the mission was not as easy as anticipated. It kind of escalated.

Izzy and Alec both got some injury by the demon and therefore both suffered from demon poisoning. They both only had a scratch though, nothing too serious. The demon escaped so they were at least safe, yet crestfallen that the demon had managed to escape.

Since it was protocol, they contacted the institute. Their mother picked up. 

Alec tried to tell her that it wasn't anything bad, but as soon as he said that Izzy had demon poisoning, he could hear her starting to panic. She just wanted to know their exact location and said she'd send someone before she hung up. 

Alec and Izzy sat against the brick wall of a house close by, so at least they sat in the shadow, while waiting.

It only took two minutes or so until a portal appeared. A tall-ish man appeared, if Alec had to guess he'd say 25ish. And he was incredibly good looking.  
The men had short dark hair and wore clothing Alec didn't even know the proper words for. He looked very eccentric.

The man looked around and when he discovered Alec and his sister, he started walking towards them. 

As he got closer, Alec got a better look at the man's face. To say he looked displeased was an understatement. He looked kind of grumpy, yet, he still carried himself with his head held high and a straight back. He looked self-confident; as if he belonged. 

When he was in ear shot, he said "You must be Alec and Isabelle. Your mother send me to check on you." he then muttered something under his breath that sounded like "as if I don't have anything else to do". The man probably wasn't aware that Alec's senses were still heightened by the use of runes before they had started this mission. 

While he was still walking towards them, Alec noticed how the man's eyes checked both his sister and him. Alec figured it must be for injuries, so he provided the needed information. "We're not seriously hurt. Just some minor demon poisoning. Mother wouldn't listen to me when I told her we could walk back to the institute."  
"Well," the man sighed, "now that I'm here, I might as well heal you real quick. I'm Magnus, by the way."

Alec heard Isabelle gasp. "Are you THE Magnus Bane? High warlock of Brooklyn? Omg it's an honor to meet you! I've heard so much about you!!"

Alec had no clue what his sister was talking about. He'd never even heard that name before. Magnus Bane. It did have a nice ring to it though. 

The man, Magnus, chuckled. "Well indeed, I happen to be him."

He kneeled down next to Isabelle and placed his hands on her arm. After a second there were blue sparks moving from his hands to her arm and Alec could see the wound on Izzy's shoulder closing. It looked disgusting and fascinating at the same time. Disgusting because the demon venom flowed out of the wound and dribbled down her arm, before finally dripping on the floor, fascinating because the scratch slowly healed until it was nothing but a faded red line. 

Once Magnus was finished with Izzy he turned to Alec. Alec had his wound on his chest, so Magnus placed his hands and each side of it. Alec could feel it when the magic started working. It was warm and it spread throughout his whole chest. 

Alec was amazed. He'd never experienced magic on himself before. The only time he'd ever seen it, was when the wards of the institute got renewed once a year or when someone travelled by using a portal. And even then, he usually only saw it on the way to the training room. He never saw it from up close.

The blue sparks faded, and Magnus removed his hand. Alec felt kind of relieved. He'd never been a fan of physical contact with strangers. 

Magnus got up and so did Alec and Izzy. Alec brushed some imaginary dust off his pants. 

"So, ehm, thanks, I guess? " Alec stuttered. No idea why but all of a sudden, he couldn't talk. That's why he was very happy when Izzy chimed in. She had always been more talkative.

"Yes, thank you Mr. Bane. We're really grateful. And also sorry that mom made you come here. You probably have a lot of better stuff to do."

"Please, call me Magnus, I only use Mr. Bane for business matters. And I do, but I was at the Institute anyway, and they pay quite well. I can even make them pay extra for this so yeah, it's all good" he chuckled again. 

"Well thanks again, Magnus. I should get Izzy back to the institute now." Alec said, while pulling on her hand to get her to start moving.

"Right, I should get back to my work, too" Magnus grinned, but it looked rather forced. "Do you want to come with me through the portal? I have to finish my wards at the Institute, so it wouldn't be any effort.", he added.

Izzy beamed of course. Traveling through a portal, that'd be a first for them both. She started to kind of jump slightly up and down until she saw Magnus looking at her and smiling. Izzy stopped immediately and blushed. 

"If it's really not any trouble, we'd love to" Alec replied, but felt himself grow more nervous. 

Magnus nodded and with a swift movement of his hands, blue sparks flew and formed into a portal a few feet away from them.

"It's rather easy, just think of the place you want to travel to before you step in. In our case, let's pick the entrance hall of the Institute." Magnus smiled encouragingly at them. 

Izzy, being the curious and adventurous girl she was, went first. She stepped into it, and it was as if she got swallowed by it. She just disappeared. Kind of creepy, like magi- well it was. Alec chuckled at his thoughts. 

Magnus gave him a questioning look, but Alec just shook his head. He imagined the walls and the floor of the entrance hall and stepped into the portal. 

******

Alec and Izzy of course had to report back to the head of the Institute, aka their mother, immediately. So they didn't have any time, not even to thank Magnus again, before they had to go separate ways. 

Izzy kept talking about how amazing it was to meet Magnus Bane. She basically gushed all over him. According to her, he was like a hero to the downworlders. He helped whom he could, but also never failed to charge money to those who had enough of it. Izzy basically made him seem like a god. 

They had a quick talk with their mom (she was a busy woman, after all), and once she realized that both her children were healed and perfectly healthy again, she send them to the training room. 

Izzy groaned and Alec wasn't very enthusiastic either, but they both followed the order. They didn't have a choice anyway. 

Only when they got to the training room, Alec noticed that his wristband was missing. The wristband Jace had given him after they first became best friends. He started to panic. He must have lost it during the mission. 

He sighed, there was no way his mother would allow him to go back there just to receive it. He swallowed the lump building in his throat. He was 18 years old. He would not cry over a lost wristband. Even if it meant the world to him. Luckily differently from than it had a few years back, when he still thought he was in love with his parabatai. 

So Alec focused on practicing his close combat skills with Izzy, after all that was what got them into this mess in the first place. Not enough practice, hence the reason they fucked up. 

They were so lost in their practice, that they didn't notice someone enter the room. It was only the shout of "Hey, beautiful!" that got both their attention. Both Alec and Izzy turned towards the voice and said "Yes?" at the same exact time. It was Magnus. He held something in his hand and strode forward at a quick pace. He stopped like three feet in front of them.

He looked at Izzy "Sorry, but I meant your brother, you are obviously beautiful too though." He winked at her. 

He held out his hand and Alec now saw that he had his wristband. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding in anticipation.

"Oh, thanks, thanks a lot, I already had a minor freak out when I realized it's missing earlier." Alec chuckled. It was only then that the fact that Magnus had just called him beautiful settled in. Alec felt a blush rising to his cheeks. He reached for the wristband and Magnus beamed brightly while handing it over. 

"I found it just before I entered the portal. I assumed it would belong to the handsome, young man instead of that nasty demon you were probably fighting." 

"Yeah", Alec chuckled and tried not to blush even further. Handsome?

"Alright, I should be on my way. I am being awaited. It is my cat's dinnertime. The Chairman can get rather irritated when he does not get his dinner on time. I hope we will see each other again soon." Magnus finished, while turning his gaze to Izzy and then back to Alec. 

"Well, thanks, for both healing us earlier and now saving my day by returning my wristband." Alec smiled at Magnus.

"Yes, thank you so much, Magnus, and we both do hope to see you again soon." Izzy added while stressing "both" with a weird tone in her voice. What was she doing?  
Magnus simply nodded and smiled brightly at them both before taking a few steps backwards before turning around to leave. 

As soon as Magnus had left the room, Izzy quickly turned 90 degrees on the spot to face Alec. "Alec!" she practically shouted. "He likes you. Magnus Bane likes you!!" Alec wrinkled his forehead "No, he doesn't; he was just trying to be polite.." Izzy literally barked out a laugh "Sure, if you say so, big brother" She winked at him with both eyes. 

******

It was only later that day, when Alec was laying in his bed and trying to fall asleep, that he realized what had happened. He had felt addressed when Magnus had called "Hey beautiful".

He, Alexander Gideon Lightwood, had associated himself with the word beautiful. And that was a first, for sure.


	5. Alec // age nineteen (1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always hate when authors start by apologizing for not having updated in a while but here I am, yikes.  
> I'm very sorry. Life's been busy and I haven't been in a good place for a while (which is why the next chapter will be very depressing (if I decide on posting it)).  
> But I'm better now so yay? :D
> 
> xo  
> Naomi

Moving day.

When Shadowhunters turn 18, they're allowed to move into the adult quarters. But since Alec didn't want to leave his sister behind (Max was still living with their parents), Alec postponed moving until his sister was old enough to move too. Luckily, since their mother was the head of the Institute, she pulled some strings so that Izzy was allowed to move being half a year shy of turning 18.

Jace had moved as soon as soon as he had turned 18, of course. If Alec remembered correctly, he even moved the exact same day. Jace never liked the quarters of the young Shadowhunters. Alec didn't either, but unlike Jace he didn't feel the urge to move out literally as soon as possible.

So Alec was in his old room, packing everything into boxes.

It's not like he had a ton of stuff. It was basically just his work clothes, some free time clothing, his bow and arrow equipment and some personal stuff like a photograph of all his siblings from Christmas.

That's why he finished packing only one hour after he started. He got Jace to help him carry the boxes. As Jace had a date later, he only helped carrying the boxes and then left immediately afterwards. Alec just hoped he had the manners to have helped Izzy earlier too, when she moved all her clothes and other stuff.

That left Alec alone in the new room. Since he just wanted to get the move over with, he started unpacking. No point in procrastinating it.

He opened the door to his new walk in closet and opened a box to grab some shirts and put them in a drawer of the wardrobe in his closet.  
He continued with his pants, then his socks and underwear, until everything filled the drawers of his closet.

He then hung his three jackets on the hangers. The next box he opened contained his shoes. Some were still in the shoe boxes. Since he didn't want to walk so many times, he grabbed 4 boxes at once. The closet was only 5 feet away, so a task that should be manageable to a shadowhunter. But of course, he had to stumble and spill the boxes. Alec sighed.

He tried gathering some of the boxes, this time he chose to carry only two. When he reached for one of the boxes, the lid fell off and something green, half-hidden in the shoe wrapping paper became visible.

Alec didn't remember ever having green shoe laces or anything else shoe related in green, so he was confused. He grabbed the fabric and as soon as his fingers touched the fabric, he knew. He remembered. The soft green fabric.

Izzy's Christmas present from years ago. The piece of lingerie. Green. With lace on the edges.

Alec sat down on his bed.

He'd totally managed to forget about it. How, he had no idea. Apparently, his brain was really good at suppressing stuff. Izzy had never mentioned it either.

He kept playing with the fabric in his hands, thinking. _Try it on?_ , a small, quiet voice suggested in his head. Alec wasn't sure. But after another minute of pondering what to do, he just thought _Fuck it_ and got up and went to the bathroom.

He took off his pants but hesitated a minute before he took off his boxers as well. He left his shirt on, no reason to get completely naked for this.

He took the panties and stepped into them. Slowly pulling them up, he realized that they were a bit too tight. Which made sense, after all he'd gotten them for his 16th birthday, he was 19 now and he'd grown another few inches, gained a lot of muscles too.

He still managed to pull them all the way up. Alec let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding in. The fabric strained slightly against his hips. But other than that, it felt rather nice.

Alec had to admit, it was weird to have so little fabric cover himself. He was definitely not used to that. But he could get used to it.

He took a few shaky breaths before he dared to look up into the mirror.

The green fabric build a nice contrast to his light brownish skin. The silk stretched around his hips too tight, as Alec had already suspected. But the rest didn't look too bad. He needed another size, for sure, but the fit itself was fine.

Alec's brain immediately checked his schedule. Would he have time to go buy some new lingerie any time soon? He figured he could make some time for it. He also knew, if he didn't go this week, he would never bring up the courage to go.

******

Wednesday morning Alec had managed to clear his schedule to go shopping. He figured there wouldn't be many people shopping in the morning on a perfectly normal weekday.

He had done some research to find a small and local lingerie shop in New York. He also made sure it was a store for both women and men, in case someone would see him enter the store or leave it.

He could always claim to have gone there to buy a present for Izzy. Had he thought about an excuse before even getting into a situation that could require using an excuse? Of course Alec had. He tended to overprepare.

He took the subway to get to the store.

It was a small shop, not on any main shopping street, but on a side street. A few pedestrians were walking through the street, but as anticipated not many.

It was perfect. Alec turned around to see if anyone happened to be watching him, before he slipped through the door of the store.

A bell rang, announcing to the store owner that someone had entered the store. Alec cursed and hoped there weren't any other customers around.

A mundane woman walked up to him, smiling brightly "Hello! Welcome to _Julie's sweet temptation_. I'm Julie. How may I help you?"

"Eh.. I.. I just wanted to.. Eh" Alec couldn't get himself to get say it. But luckily for him the woman seemed to have caught on immediately.

"Oh, I see" she chuckled, "it's just your first time. Well I'd say, just look around for a bit and see if there's anything you like. When you've found something come find me and I'll help you find the right size. No judgement, I promise." she smiles warmly at Alec and turned around to disappear behind the shelves again.

Just before she was out of sight she turned back around again and said "Oh, and btw, you're the only customer at the moment. That probably won't change in the next two hours either. Just personal experience from working here for 5 years." and with that she disappeared to the back of the store.

Alec's hands were shaking. He gripped onto the bottom line of his shirt to help them stop shaking.

Alec could feel the tension in his body.

He took a deep breath. He wanted to do this. He had planned this. He knew it wasn't gonna be easy. But he wanted this.

He stood there for another few minutes, just focusing on breathing in and out, before he finally took another few steps into the store and actually started looking around.

There was so much to discover. The walls were covered with mannequins. They wore all kinds of lingerie.

Alec only took a minute to figure out the front of the store was for women. He concluded the back must be for men then.

So he slowly made his way to the back of the store.

******

Alec had no idea how much time had passed. If he had to guess, he'd say about an hour. He'd browsed the store and just picked up everything that caught his eye. He felt all the different materials and tried imagining what they would feel like on his skin.

Eventually he decided on two different cuts.

It took him like 10 minutes to gather the courage to call out for Julie. Beforehand he practiced what he wanted to say. _Hey Julie, can you please help me with the sizes? Hey Julie, I'd like to take you up on your offer from earlier, with the sizes? Hey Julie, how do I know what size I need?_

"Hey Julie, can you... w-what size.. help?" Alec sighed. How did he manage to fuck up every single time? Fascinating, truly fascinating.

Julie didn't say anything about it though. She just reappeared with that warm smile of hers.

"Sure thing hon, I'll help you. There are two ways we can do this, feel free to answer what you'll feel more comfortable with. So we can go to a changing room and I'll measure your hips and your waist and then I'll tell you what size you are, or I'll just guess and you have to try on a pair and maybe a second if my guess was wrong."

Alec panicked, he didn't want to be half naked in front of a stranger. "Eh.. I'll just try them on."

"Okay. Now we need to go find a pair of every cut you're interested in. You might need a different size depending on the cut."

Luckily for Alec, Julie had a really good guess and each of the first pairs he tried of the two cuts he chose immediately fitted.

"Alright. Now you just have to show me which ones you liked."

Together they walked through the rows again and Alec pointed out the ones he liked earlier. Julie took out the correct size and they moved on.

He chose mostly black ones, but he did choose one green pair, similar to the one Izzy got him, a purple pair and a rosé pair, which Julie said went well with his skin tone.

They went to the counter and Julie scanned the items, folded them neatly and put them in a small bag. He had picked out 10 pairs. He was well aware that lingerie wasn't exactly cheap, but he figured since he never treated himself with anything, he would be fine spending a lot of money this one time.

Alec paid and said his good byes to Julie, both having a smile on their faces.

Alec felt great. He couldn't remember a time when he had felt this happy.

He pushed the door open and promptly ran into someone who was just about to enter the store. 

"By the angel, I'm so sorry." Alec immediately apologized, before even looking up. He had let go of his bag, luckily none of the content spilled out. He bend down to grab it, only to realize the other person had had the same idea, so their heads bumped together. "Ouh" both of them said,

It was only then that Alec looked at the other person and realized that he actually had met the person before. Magnus Bane. The warlock, who had saved him and Izzy a few years back. Afterwards, Alec had noticed people at the Institue saying the name more often. 

"Well if this isn't a nice coincidence." Magnus chuckled once he saw Alec. He looked Alec up and down. Alec realized that he was being checked out and blushed.

Magnus gaze stopped, once it reached the bag in Alec's hand. He cocked an eyebrow and gave Alec a lingering and slightly surprisedlook.

Alec's face immediately went bright red. "Eh, I.. It's uh.. I got it as a present..." Well shit, why on earth did he have to forget what he had practiced to say earlier.

Magnus grinned. "I didn't know it's your birthday soon."

It took Alec way too long to get the implication of that sentence, but when he did, he blushed even harder, if that was possible. "NO, by the Angel, I- uh- it's a present for my sister, Izzy?"

"Was that a question or a statement, darling? You don't seem too sure of it."

Alec was confused, why wouldn't he let go of it? Maybe Magnus just enjoyed seeing the other man squirm. "I'm sure. Also, I really have to.. get going now. I- I have to get back to work."

"That's a shame. But if you must. I have plans too, so I understand."

"A shame?" Alec couldn't help himself.

"Well yes, I always enjoy the company of a handsome, young man." Magnus beamed.

Alec let out half a chuckle, choking on his own spit in the process so he started coughing like the idiot he was. Magnus stepped closer and hit his back a few times. "Are you okay, darling?"

"Y-yesss." Alec coughed a few more times. Stepping away slowly and creating some distance between them. Alec didn't like standing close to strangers. And let's be honest. That's who Magnus was. A stranger. A beautiful one, but still a stranger.

Magnus frowned slightly at Alec stepping away. Alec tried his best to make up for it by smiling, what he thought was warmly, at him. He most likely looked like a psychopath grinning but at least he tried. That had to be worth something.

"It was nice seeing you again, Magnus."

"You, too, Alexander."

And with that Alec turned around and started his way back to the Institute. When he got to the corner, he turned back around just in time to see the door of the shop falling shut. He packed the bag into his back pack. He couldn't risk anyone seeing him carrying a bag with the name of the lingerie store on it.

 


	6. Alec // age nineteen (2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW !! Check chapter notes at the end

It was a bad day. A very bad day. Nothing in particular even happened. Or maybe it did. Alec didn't know. He didn't want to think and figure out what exactly had happened to ruin this day. 

So he got home from work that day and went straight to the bathroom. Maybe a hot shower would clear his head.

He started taking off his clothes. He avoided looking in the mirror, knowing that he would not be able to handle the view.

When he took off his pants, he saw the purple panties he had chosen to wear this morning. Satin. They hugged his hips nicely, except his hips were everything but nice.

His gaze lingered. Alec could feel tears forming behind his eyes. Only a few seconds later the first tear started making its way down his cheek.

Alec was still staring at his hips. _Ugly._ The only word that came to Alec's mind. Slowly his gaze moved to his legs. They were so hairy. And there were so many muscles. He could see some of them still twitching slightly from earlier, ready to take on a fight any second.

His gaze shifted to the side of his right thigh. White lines covered his skin. Some neatly and accurately next to each other. Others crossing each other randomly.

Ironically the neatly aligned ones were from when he was filled with rage, and the random ones were from days were he cut just because he was used to it and needed to feel the pain.

It had been years since he'd done it the last time. It was a bad habit and took forever to get rid of. That's why Alec wished he'd never started. But he assumed cutting was just like most other addictions.

He let his fingers trail over the scars, some thick, others barely existent.

Another tear rolled down his cheek. _Stupid. So stupid._

His fingers moved up until they grazed the satin. So soft. Unlike him.

His fingers grabbed the fabric at the side of his hips, tightening around it. _I don't deserve this._

With a quick pull of his arms the fabric ripped apart.

Alec let out a sob and let the fabric fall to the floor.

He couldn't bare looking at himself anymore, so he quickly opened the door to the shower and stepped inside. He turned on the water and was sprayed with ice cold water.

Alec started shivering immediately. Although Alec thought he deserved the cold water, he figured it wouldn't help anyone if he caught a cold, so he turned the water warmer.

While staying under the now hot water Alex lost track of time. He lost himself in the pain of the hot water on his skin. This was the closest he allowed himself to get to self-harming. At least hot water didn't leave scars. He had enough of those. More than enough.

Only once the water started turning cold again, Alec left the shower. He quickly dried his body and dried his hair until it didn't drip anymore.

He pulled on a pair of boxers, some sweats and a hoodie.

Alec climbed into his bed and put the cover over him. Only then, Alec allowed himself to actually cry.

One thought was getting stronger and stronger. _I am ugly_. Alec escaped a small sob. He couldn't let anyone hear him. No reason to alert anyone.

_I am ugly. How is anyone ever supposed to love me romantically if I look like this. I hate myself. I hate my body. Everything about it. No one will ever love me._

******

Alec stayed in bed for a long time that day. He texted Izzy that he wasn't feeling well so he wouldn't go to dinner. There was no way that he could leave his room like this. His eyes were swollen and his face had red spots from crying.

He would just not eat anything for dinner. He wasn't hungry anyway.

The sad thing was, Alec knew exactly what would make him feel better. But he also knew he'd break his record of being clean for almost 3 years. Was that worth it? Most definitely not.

Was he gonna do it anyway?

Maybe.

Izzy of course knew something was up. She came to his room only a few minutes after Alec's text. She knocked but Alec didn't open the door. He didn't feel like talking.

This wasn't something you could just talk about to your little sister. _Hey sis, I just think I'm truly ugly and no one will ever love me, how are you today?_

No, he couldn't do that. That would be egoistic.

*******

A few hours later Alec received a text from Jace.

**We’re watching a movie. Want to join us? Izzy picked it though, so you’ve been warned.**

If he said no, Jace would suspect something was up. Does he want to make Jace worry about him? Probably not. So Alec got up and checked his face in the mirror. He looked normal again. His eyes were still slightly swollen but if they were watching a movie no one would notice anyway.

Izzy has a terrible choice in movies. It was some sappy, romantic love story. Jace kept making fun of it and Izzy kept hitting Jace for every snark remark he made. And Alec? Alec just sat there, silently, not participating in the conversation, but enjoying not being alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW self harm, finding yourself ugly


	7. Alec // age nineteen (3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, another chapter. I didn't want to post the last chapter by itself.  
> This is cute again to make up for the last sad chapter.

Alec wasn't sure what exactly caused it, but one day, when he was working in the controlling room, he suddenly remembered the blog he once found on the internet.

The blog that had started changing his life. Teaching him about self-appreciation and self-love. Words, Alec had never thought would ever apply to him. It had been a few months since that terrible incident. That's what Alec had decided to call it. No one knew about it. Alec just figured there was no reason to make anyone worry about him.

But when he remembered that blog, he decided to write to the author of it. So, when he finished work that day, he went to his room and started his laptop. He walked impatiently up and down while that old thing took what felt like forever to start.

Once it finally did, Alec immediately searched for the website. Of course he remembered the website's name. _A lesson in self-worth._ He let out a small happy sigh once the website loaded and he saw it still existed.

He clicked on the button "contact" and found an email address. Alec opened a word document and immediately started typing:

 _Hey there... -_ No, no, that just sounded wrong

 _Hello dear..._ Dear what? He did not know the author.

Alec finally settled on a simple _hey t_ o start.

He took a deep breath and just typed the first things that came to his mind.

_I just wanted to tell you how much this blog means to me. I found it a couple years ago and it literally changed my life. I started doing some of the exercises I found on here and they actually helped. So I guess I just wanted to thank you. For doing this, publishing those tips on your blog. I don't know. Maybe you'll think it's weird. I'm sorry if you do._

_Anyway, that's all, basically, best regards_ _DarkWater_

DarkWater. This was bad. Alec was not happy at all with how this turned out. It was awkward and terrible, and he should just delete it.

Writing to the author and telling him he loves their blog won't change a thing. It's not like the author will care about Alec's opinion. Or Alec in general.

The author is probably a ridiculously good-looking person. With a ton of friends. And they just have this blog to...  To make themselves feel less guilty about being born so pretty. Yeah, that's it. Alec lifted his hand to hit the delete key on his keyboard. There was no point in rewriting it to be less awkward. Alec couldn't be not awkward.

He lowered his hand, but just as he was about to touch the key, his door opened abruptly. Alec jumped and accidentally smashed his hand against the keyboard.

He turned around to see Izzy entering his room. "Izzy", he said in a judging tone. "By the angel, you almost scared me to death"

"Don't be so bloody dramatic, brother. You're a shadowhunter. We don't scare easily. Therefore, you must have been doing something you're not exactly proud of. Let me see!!"

Alec, still slightly confused by his sister using British slang, but figuring she probably had a new crush and this time on a British celeb so she adapted his slang, didn't act fast enough to stop his sister from seeing what he was doing.

" **email sending in 3, 2, 1...** Well apparently, you were just writing an email. So, nothing to be ashamed of Mr. DarkWater." Izzy burst out laughing while everything in Alec froze. The email sent. It sent. It was gone. The author would see it. Read it. By the angel. This had been a terrible idea. 

Izzy was still laughing. Once Alec paid attention to her again, she had actual tears in her eyes. Alec rolled his eyes. "IZZY! Stop, please, can you just leave me alone for once?" Izzy's laugh turned into a frown. "sure thing, brother. Care to tell me what's wrong first?"

"I really don't want to talk about it" Alec simply said. He knew his sister gave him space if he needed it. And as he suspected, Izzy just got up from his bed, where she had ended up sitting down to try and breathe normally again, walked over to Alec to give his shoulder a pat, before leaving him alone.

******

Over the course of the next week Alec started to forget he had even sent the email, or more like suppressed every single thought about it by suffocating himself in work. 

It worked fine for a while. Right until he started his laptop one evening to check his mails and he had a response.

From: alykhan.dae.ahar@ gmail.com To: dark.water@ web.com

_Dear DarkWater,_

_I must say, your email surprised me. Never in the 15 years I have had this blog have I ever gotten feedback._

_Yes, I can view statistics of how many people visit my site, but no one ever bothered to write me a mail and let me know personally that this blog helped them._

_So thank you very much for your kind email. I'm very happy it helped you. I've been dealing with self-consciousness ever since I was little so I know what you're dealing with. It got better over the years. I didn't have a blog like this back then though haha._

_Some of this stuff I figured out by myself and others I heard from other people over the years._

_Anyway, thank you again. It means a lot to me._

_Love, Dae_

Alec jumped of joy, internally, of course. Dae. He'd never heard a name like that before. Also the username of the email account didn't make much sense to him. Sounded exotically. Also, he didn't know if it was a man or woman. But he figured that didn't matter anyway.

Before he could help himself he hit the reply button.

_Dear Dae,_

_I'm sorry to hear that. I figured you must get a ton of fan mail. Your blog is just amazing._

_I've been struggling with it too, I guess ever since I hit puberty. But it has gotten better. Thanks to your blog._

_Before I found it, I didn't even know there are other people struggling with it too. Pretty naïve, I know, but I was only 17 back then. I grew up pretty shielded from the normal world too. I don't want to go into detail and risk boring you to death though haha._

_Best regards DarkWater_

**** Over the course of the following week Alec looked forward to checking his mails ever evening. And it happened that most of the evenings he had a new mail from Dae waiting for him.

If one would ask Alec years later what they were talking about, he wouldn't be able to tell, just stuff. They exchanged their experiences of just talked about their day. Alec of course paid attention to always sound like a mundane though.

Naturally, it took Izzy only a few days to realize Alec was rather giddy at dinner and always left as early as possible to go back to his room.

So one day she simply paid him a visit, 10 minutes after he had left dinner. When she got to his room he was sitting in front of laptop and hadn't even heard her open the door. She confronted him and Alec quickly told her everything. Well not everything. But that he was corresponding with a person he didn't even know because he liked their blog and wanted to let them know.

Izzy just smiled while Alec "confessed" what he had been up to. He was adorable.

Alec felt relieved. He didn't like keeping secrets from his sister. Jace on the other hand was a bit different. While he had acted cool when Alec told his siblings he was gay, he didn't really feel comfortable yet with Alec asking for tips about how to act around dudes etc. Jace just figured Izzy would be more helpful for that.

Alec wasn't even sure if Dae was male, but he certainly hoped so. Because he might have been starting to develop a small crush on them. And Alec was pretty sure he was gay, though he guessed he could be attracted to anyone if the character was attractive, no matter if they were male or female or nonbinary or whatever else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment if you figured out why I picked DarkWater as a username haha


End file.
